Thursday, October 30, 2003
wat the hell??
that's all i can say
i shan't say anymore.
on other fronts. i love farha. yum!
tts all.. i dunno why but i so attracted to her. but dunno if she wants me or not. oh well.. its ok. :)
--insignificant lies--
10:32 pm
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
there was one thing in that moment
that plain moment
where i left
hugged you and walked off
the last embrace
and now my heart swells in pain
the sound of ur name
i take it with disdain
and like a clouded sky
i await when i have to release
forever you and me
feeling for wat?
the past is gone
lets move on with the future
and it might never be the same again
but let's try
for the past.
we hold on to our memories
we touch the things we held dear
i left a piece of my heart with you
and i might never trust you again
but i will love you
dearly.
not like before
but close to that.
don't worry
i won't kill your spirit
not for the second time.
i'll try to be good for you.
for a second spirit
that is wat is true.
forever you and me
feeling for wat?
the past is gone
lets move on with the future
and it might never be the same again
but let's try
for the past.
--insignificant lies--
12:42 pm
Monday, October 27, 2003
hey peppz... me back..haha... tts all i gonna say..
my cousin asyraf is beside me nagging me to get off his comp..haha... ciaoz...
muax muax...
ps. bitches exist everywhere. esp on my MSN.
--insignificant lies--
9:41 pm
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
hey ppepz...
managed to steal some time away to use the sch comp.
my comp is still down. oh wat the f...
supposed to meet suresh today..but never mind la... so im just going ahead with plan B n meeting kai..
hmmm..hmmm..
i still dunno wat i want..but im having fun now.. n im happy..so nothing will bring me down..
i dun want to think yet abt which person i want..n who i am..n all tt shit.. i just want to have fun..n be loved...
n i thank all you ppl who do love me..muacks muacks...
--insignificant lies--
2:25 pm
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
hey peepz..
exams over...thank god!!!!! im so happy its over.
n just the other made frens with this guy from friendster. suresh. pretty cool dude! yup..
n then he dun want to show me his pic..cos he dun have. n then he dun want to tell me where he working at cp. hehe.. but thru spying n searching of my own i have found his picture. hehe... yipee. pretty good looking. hehe... best..
im interested to see how things go with suresh. and getting to know suresh and flirting around with all these guys is not because of feli. hehe.. its cos i want to. i mean if this is because of feli..i wld go find a hot sexy girl. but nah..
me watched mohabattein today. just realised how much i missed a man protecting me. like a real man. loved the part when vicky was hugging ishika from the back. the looked so much in love and he looked like he would protect her with his life. it was so sweet.. aww.. hehe...
i want that again. yup..
hehe... looking at suresh... hmm... think he can provide tt..hehe..
teehee..
--insignificant lies--
2:13 am
Sunday, October 12, 2003
hey peepz...
tmr last paper....i still havent study but im ok. im good. me still awake. think i shall study till late la. oh well..
im always doing tt.
studying till late.
im so happy for liana. i think this time its for real. what she feels for her bf. so cool. yupz...
all the best liana!
i wish i cld find a man to protect me.
im sick of girls. i so am.
shld turn fully str8 again.
stuupid.
but NAH..haha.. when i see gabrielle union i get reminded tt i am unstr8..haha.. notti notti..
i miss aaliyah.
just felt like puttin tt in.
--insignificant lies--
10:56 pm
hey...
i don't understand certain things. like some ppl's reactions to certain things. i didnt expect such emotional reactions. i mean i thought im the one hurting here. guess i was wrong. didn't know feli can get so affected by me. i'm nothing aren't i. so why does it feel like i'm more than tt? oh well...
didn't mean to hurt her so badly. i just want her to be happy. she can't be fully happy with me around. cos she'll have to worry about me. and i know im a burden to her sometimes. the r/s was so one-sided. she needs to find someone she can love back as well. im not tt person. too bad. hope she has a good life. n hope she gets out of watever she is feeling towards everything i did.
other than tt...
im fine. just wondering if i will do ok for ml A tmr. the bloody book is too thick. so i think i shall read my notes only la. oh well... get a D can la. no need to be so hardworking la.
kk.. ciaoz..
by the way...
just watched bad boys II. its the bomb!
yeah!
*we ride together. we die together. bad boys for life!*
--insignificant lies--
11:57 am
Saturday, October 11, 2003
fine with me...
she want to play it the hard way. she wants to hurt me thru MSN. thru her stupid nick. fine.
im not gonna fall into tt trap. so wat if i have hurt her. so wat. she still has inadvertently hurt me more. screw her. be damned abt everything.
she wrote there on her nick "im in lurveee..."
i know tts meant to spite me. cos just yest she was pissed at me. n now she's in lurve?? its not consistent. n she doesnt fall in lurve. there's no one to fall in lurve with. she just wants to screw with my mind. for this second she has. for just this moment.
but not after this.
cos guess wat? i'm not someone whom u can hurt again and again.
screw everything.
im still stronger than u. if u were stronger than me you wont be so childish. how ironic tt you are older than me by 3 years? i guess even 30 yrs wont be enough for you to understand the depths n layers of the human heart. you will never understand wat i sacrificed. i sacrificed you damn it. all for wat? for my own happiness? bull shit sia!!!! i sacrifice you for you. for us. so i wont hurt you with my love. and so you wont hurt me. and so we wont end off even worse than this. i said i didnt want to see u as a bitch. but why are u forcing me to tarnish ur image in my heart? bitch! classic bitch.
ok im done venting. thanks blog for listening. :)
--insignificant lies--
12:34 am
Friday, October 10, 2003
doin' just fine
by boyz II men
There was a time when I thought life was over and out
When you went away from me
My dying heart made it hard to breathe
Would sit in my room
Because I didn't want to have to go out
And see you walking by
One look and I'd break right down and cry
Now you say that you've made a big mistake
Never meant to take your love away
But you can save your tired apologies
'Cause it may seem hard to believe
But
Chorus:
I'm doin' just fine
Getting along very well
Without you in my life
I don't need you in my life
I'm doin' just fine
Time made me stronger
You're no longer on my mind
You were my earth
My number one priority
I gave me love to only you
Anything you'd ask of me
I would do
But somewhere down the road
You felt a change in the weather
And told me that you had to journey on
A kiss in the wind and your love was gone
Now you say you never meant to play your games
Girl, don't you know it's far too late
Because you let our love just fall apart
You no longer have a heart
Chorus
When you said goodbye
I felt so all alone
There were times at night I couldn't sleep
My heart was much to weak to make it on my own
Baby after all the misery
And pain you put me through
So unfair to me girl
You're no longer my world
And I ain't missin' you at all
Chorus
--insignificant lies--
12:05 pm
if u don't love me why do u care when i walk out ur door?
come on la..
feli is giving me such attitude sia on MSN.
my nick is "still loving you. stronger than before."
if u don't care abt me... why shld it bug you when i rite tt?
then she go n change her nick to "everything i learned abt friends-they. always.change"
wat nonsense sia!!!!
then i dunno why i entertain her.
i type there " i never changed. im still me. still loving you. stronger than before. i'm just sorry that loving you hurts us."
ok fine.. no rxn. then after a fabulous n awe inspiring n reassuring talk with farahanah i change it to
"leaf departure is due to wind pursuit. or because tree never asked to stay."
i really give up. shld listen to farah more often. at least now i know i got her back during hockey. so best.. now got su n got farah to support me against feli. i dun care wat she says abt me to other ppl. my conscience is clear. all i did wrong was to run away from her. if she really is my fren she will respect my wishes. if she asked tt of me, i wouldnt be so spiteful. i would try to understand. sad yah la.. but come on la.. who is the one who is heart broken here?? her?? no!!!!! she dun love me wat. so why shld she be rite?? why rite?? why is she acting like i shot a big hole thru her heart? like i've totally corrupted her whole idea of frenship?
i tell u why. cos deep down inside she loves me. she just doesnt know it yet.
she'll regret it one day. when she understands wat love means. she'll regret wat she is doing now. cos she gave up something tt could have gone really far.
maybe im just a sore loser. so be it. but she shld be a fair winner. she should have the courtesy not to keep on making it seem like she wants me too.
oh well... tts her bad. im done with that. i got my frens to love me. n tt enuff. if i dun have her i wont die. i'll still make it. n i'll move on. cos love is not love when u are like a puppy dog fetching the frisbee everytime she throws it. tts agape.
best!
she just changed her nick to " i'm not gonna bend and im not gonna break. i'm not gonna worry abt it anymore"
best.
well at least it shows one thing. she did worry.
n i wrote back " i'm glad tt u are not worrying. i want u to be happy. without me."
haha....hahah...
i do want her to be happy la. serious. just cant be there to share her happiness. we are not meant to be la.
ok tts the end of tt.
i'm getting stronger everyday. i love my frens. foursome. su. khai.
--insignificant lies--
2:52 am
Thursday, October 09, 2003
if only
by goldfinger
If only I was taller
If I had a million dollars
maybe then you'd be with me
If only I was eighteen
and had the courage
of the A-Team
maybe then you'd be with me
But for now I'll have to dream
about your smile 'cause you're not
here and all I want to say is
that I really miss you
If I could surf a little better
If I had Sumner's sweater
maybe then you'd be with me
If only I had more time
If I had Mike Ness' hairline
then you'd want to be with me
If only you weren't so fine
If only I wasn't so blind
I'd find a way
to make you stay
then maybe I'd see you
If I woke up
with all these things
Would it even change your feelings
None of that is even me
But for now I'll have to
wait another week
to see your face and all I want to say is
that I really miss you
--insignificant lies--
11:43 pm
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
hey...
me supposed to be studying but dunno why i'm having a headache. best la. oh well..
k peepz..
i shall try to study.
stop making excuses la for myself n stuff.
must work hard ya.
last REAL paper.
--insignificant lies--
10:25 pm
Sunday, October 05, 2003
hey..me taking another break. wat's up with all the breaks. n how come got no one online ah?? all must be studying. oh man im such a loser. haha.
just now was talking to kai on the phone. do i sound tt transparently sad? hmm.. i guess she can tell la. oh well. good la. never mind la. i am sad.
oh screw.
i'm just thinking if it were another person would they be like me? would they have chosen to leave feli? or would they continue to be her friend and continue to love her in hopes that one day she will love them too?
just thinking. cos i think i was weak for making that decision. becos if it were lin i would still be her friend. but maybe since i've been bitten n now twice shy so i don't have tt kind of courage anymore. you noe?
or maybe i dun love feli all tt much. at least not as much as i love lin. what nonsense!
i am cheating.
love heaps,
--insignificant lies--
9:14 pm
"i waited till its over. its over now"
hello...
me supposed to be studying. but as me goes i never do. haha. me sick of maths. i hate integration. it bums. so me taking a break. haha. yah a break. fabulous.
i feel like eating chocolates. n drinking snapple but of course i dun feel like going downstairs. haha. wee wee. me feel very bored these days. cant wait for wednesday. then everything will end.
i wonder how edd is doing. she called me just now but i was sleeping. oh man. i scared for her sia. wat if she do something to herself. i mean when i patah hati i always think of doing something to myself. cos the pain is too much. even now with this whole feli thing i feel like just ending myself. hurting myself. cos i miss her. argh fuck.
*girls are bitches*
EXCERPTS from...
Letters to you
by Finch
i'm writing again
these letters to you aren't much i know
but i'm not sleeping
cos you're not here
do you notice that i'm gone?
where do you run to?
so far...
i want you to know that i miss you i miss you so...
--insignificant lies--
6:26 pm
Saturday, October 04, 2003
"dunia belum berakhir
bila kau putuskan aku..."
haha...nice lyrics from nice song. but i dunno who sang the bloody song.
oh well..
me in sch rite now. with iza. we are supposed to be studying but now have become hungry. even me who is supposed to be fasting. oh well.. me havng major headache. haha... kk...
*this is my life. let me break my own heart*
--insignificant lies--
10:31 am
Friday, October 03, 2003
okok ppl... wat i put on the top of my blog was actually for my mom, for feli and for people who claim to love me but don't show it. i was having a major mental n emotional breakdown yesterday. and i was just pissed. i know u guys are the few who really love me. and you guys won't know how much i love you. it's more than what i can say. more than you can imagine. i hope you all know tt. thanks for being there always. :) im blessed.
okok...
this song is kinda describing wat i feel inside now. wat happened yest. and why i cried. i cried cos of my mom. cos of feli. cos of heartache. cos of me.
Speak and the Devil Appears
by Audio Karate
and everything goes through me on a Tuesday night
feeling wrong yet right.
I won't admit I'm wrong
dramatize and move along
and everything you say I push down inside
a hole where it can hide
resurfaces today
its leaking out me through the sides
of the story that I've been victimized
I have to realize and face up to my faults
the irony it makes me strong
convienient thinking used to mean everything
i think i can't be wrong
the lies i feed myself
a selfish figure shows itself
a figure shows itself
HEY!
so will you go on
when you can't see the darkest part inside
of me a darker future lurks unseen
will you forgive me?
forgive myself
how the end will turn out we don't know
this hibernation heals the soul
so please let me go
you're on your own
seems we can't face one last embrace
and i will return one lesson learned
please say goodbye
inside i die
as i hid behind me fears
i've lost what i hold dear
and the truth is what i fear
and i speak and the devil appears
--insignificant lies--
6:22 pm
Thursday, October 02, 2003
if people were to always break your heart,
then when will the pain stop?
if u tried your hardest to make them like you.
if u screamed n shout for them to understand you...
how long will it be before they actually do?
and if we thought that much about things
and if we run around in circles over and over again
won't we just get a headache?
same consequences as being close to you.
why do you always get dissapointed by the ones you love?
why do u always just want them to love you too??
and why do u hurt them in the process
of being who you are
and being nice to them.
and then they hate you.
why do i always waste my tears?
on every other idiot but me?
why do i cry for bitches everyday?
and why do the tears keep on falling.
why?
why do i care so much about everything?
and why do i hope for you...
for you to love me??
and why do i hope for you...
for you to understand me???
never again.
not for you.
but for me.
--insignificant lies--
8:12 pm
